I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe cause I just quarreled with my sis. Then I went on to read other blogs. Koony's, Baya's, Shu's, Yan's.. the entries get sadder and sadder.. and then I just tear. And I suddenly miss everyone. Sobs.
I've not been keeping contact with many of my friends as well. At first I regretted that, but as I met up with them again and realised how some have changed, I didn't feel so sad anymore. Perhaps sad that they've changed. Perhaps sad that we're not closed anymore. Perhaps sad that I'm not sad, that I don't care anymore. They're so far away. And we have our own lives now. When we met I didn't even know what to say beyond how are you and what are you doing. I felt unwelcome, like I've intruded into their lives suddenly and they didn't like that. Maybe they didn't know what to do either.
I had the chance to study overseas once. At times I'll think back and wish I have had the means then. Somehow I am confident that I won't be homesick. That I won't miss my family, won't miss my parents. I realise I may be wrong. Can't say exactly that I'm happy I'm only normal. I love my family. I love my mother and sister. But I don't like them sometimes. They're always saying me, thinking that they know me very well, assuming, accusing. True. Some of the things they said have hit the right spot. Some.
I'm not that arrogant. I'm not that snobbish as to think that I'm always right. Well, they themselves think that they're always right too, when they make that accusation. I was bad-tempered, always starting an argument, always wanting to win. And they wanted me to change. But did they give me that chance? did they help? Alright, so I raised my voice easily. She pointed it out. I softened a bit. And she ridiculed me. "Why go all soft-spoken now?" What the hell. Of course cause I've realised I was wrong to raise my voice, you pointed it out. Then another one always accusing me of helping the other "side". Man, you don't know how hard it is to defend you when you're so ridiculous sometimes. But I still do anyway. I try to understand why you do what you did, make sense of everything and explain to others, while at the same time try to tell you not to be like that. You overlook that. Cause you are too selfish to see, too full of thoughts that I'm out to defy you.
Shu's right. You can't choose your family. I'm not wishing to have a different family. I just wish we are more alike so we can get along better. I can learn, but I can't be making changes alone.
Sometimes I wonder what will happen if I just disappear, if I'm not here with them suddenly. Maybe things will be better for them. Foolish thought I know. I'm just wondering. I think I dwell into self-pity too much. Like my life's actually alright but I'm trying hard to make it seem miserable.
Oh oh, gotta sleep already. Now I have to try not to make any sound when entering my room. My sister can hear my footsteps, (I swear I don't stomp my feet when I walk). She has insomnia. Personally I don't see the link. If she's sleeping already then everything should be just fine no? I really believe she expects me to float on air. Anyhow, she's having insomnia not me. Why should I suffer for her. Ah, another reason to disappear.
romanced at 03:22hr
This week had been busy busy busy.. What term break?! I had maths and physics mid-term tests on Wednesday and Thursday, which were the last two days of the five-day break (they counted Sunday, cheaters!!) Well, it was only a one-hour test each, plus a 3-hour journey and a one-hour preparation time. Perfect.
On the bright side though, I've been either early or on time for school these past few days. A yay for myself :) Must keep it up. Hoho.. And I've been trying to spend within my limit. I am SO far behind.. people are like saving a bit of their pocket money each month, while here I am working towards spending only all of mine. And I regretted buying that denim skirt cause I won't be wearing them often. Yan, how?
The next few weeks will have to be spent on doing essay assignments. My premonition shows that I'll be working last minute all the time. Help.. Sigh, I'll do maths or physics anytime. Hmmm.. anyone interested in a barter service? I do your maths assignment and you do my essays?
romanced at 01:17hr
Friday, September 10, 2004I have an internet connection for 6 days already now. It's very easy actually, just need a WEP key (don't ask me what that is, just some passwords) and I'm set, cause the laptop can detect a wireless network on its own. Yes, my house has wireless network connection. So I can bring my laptop anywhere in my house and be online. So cool.. If you all wanna come my house and still do work online, just bring your laptops. Hehe..
romanced at 21:53hr
Monday, September 06, 2004I received this message in friendster. Man, can you believe this guy?
Want to get to know other people but so insincere. And what babe hah?
From: Jason
Date: September 5, 2004 2:12 PM
Subject: hey babe... would like to know u better
Message:
hi....
how are u doing?
tell me more about yourself
hope to know more about you
anyway check out my website
www.bodyforpeople.com
tell me wat u think
hope to hear from u soon
romanced at 14:50hr
Sunday, September 05, 2004I observe that I'll get stressed out whenever tutorial week is coming. Physics tutorial and Chem Lab are in odd weeks, Chem and SS (singapore study) tutorials are in even weeks, Maths tutorial and Physics online tutorial are every week. Eh, that's every week then. Oh, odd week is more hectic because there's pre-lab assignment for Chem Lab, and the Physics tutorial questions are killers!! It's like you understand the set-up but you still cannot do anything to find the answers. It's worse than S paper. During lecture everything is so simple. And it doesn't help to get an arrogant-looking tutor who just fast forward the solutions to final answers. Everything also short-cut. Woman, if I can see it as fast as you can I'll be standing in the same side as you are in the tutorial room. Grr..
I've collected my baby: Toshiba Portege A100. But silly school ran out of Microsoft Office disks when I collected my laptop so I can only switch it on and off for the entire week. On Friday I finally got my Office, but no internet connection. Haha.. poor me. My house uses wireless connection lah (wow!), a bit weird I know. But that's because my Dad doesn't know how to use LAN. He bought the necessary stuffs to create a LAN connection but the computers are not compatible or something. Then my Dad's friend came to the rescue by setting up a wireless communication between the computers. So now we're going to call him up again (on a fine sunny day) to come and help set up internet for my laptop. Wonder when that fine sunny day will come. Free service is definitely not "fast and efficient". If only I know what to do. Anyone can help? Hehe..
Oh, I got through audition for Nus Dance Ensemble. Now I'm considering quitting. Yep, even before first lesson. I wonder why I went for the audition in the first place. I wasn't even there for their first two free classes. They must have needed many new members to have to select me. Not that I dance very badly, I think I do alright there :) but my dancing was quite disorganised on that day. And the audition has caused me great pain: the counting was fast, the dance was vigorous, and they had to incorporate high-kicking and double-turning in the few eights that we had to learn. My whole body was aching after that and for the next three days. Also my stomach was hurting so much from cramp. Tsk tsk.. killer dance.. Another thing is that their practices are on Sundays. Hello, that's like my off day. Don't forget the journey to school is three hours to and fro and that I don't need the CCA points at all. I know it's my passion and it's wrong to calculate if it worths the effort or not. But I certainly can do without passion at the moment. Talk about priorities in life. Yeah.
Do you know that it only takes 25 minutes to go to NUS from my house by cars? I want a ride to school!! Anyone can give a ride? I promise I won't spill any water, milk, crumps of bread, crumps of fruit bars or scratch the seats with my fingernails or drool onto them. Please...
romanced at 17:47hr